"So, What's the Difference?"

I have traveled this journey before. The High School Senior now graduated soon to be college Freshman. I have seen the signs of change before. Expensive trips to Target for items never before thought of by my teenager now young adult. Plastic cloth hampers filled with the essentials for college living. Items such as laundry detergents, towels, shampoos, linens and other things seem to be gathering before my very eyes. So, this isn't strange to have my second child preparing for his exit from home into the pre-adult launching stage of college life. It's his turn now.

Maybe it's strange after all. He is eager, excited, and counting the days. I get updates on his face book page. Forget the fantasy of having face to face conversations. Communication is now delegated to cyber connections along with the rest of his "friends." I'm not complaining. I'm quite grateful that I'm allowed to be a friend among friends. I could have been "blocked" you know.

So, my updates on his pending move surface on daily posts through his face book community. I read the writing on the wall. I guess that is the point now. Maybe that's the difference. The writing is on the wall now that things are transitioning and changing. Funny how that works. It's easy to get sensitive about it. A moment of quiet consideration brings clarity about this generation and its ability to multitask communication through so many layers of social networking. It's mind blowing.

I have a decision to make regarding the inevitable change ahead. I can accept it. I can ignore it. I can resist it. The best choice is probably to accept the change and learn to be different without losing who I am or insisting my young man be someone who fits into my expectations of who he should be or who we should be together.

The other day I wrote on his wall. I tried very hard to not be parental. I didn't get blocked. So, I suppose, for now I didn't come across too parental. Later that evening, we had a laugh at what I wrote and what I had seen on his site. He is different than me, but that's what I want. I want him to be him. I want him to be different. Life will be richer for him that way.

Soon it will be different again at our home. We have successfully downsized our home from four to two. I recently overheard the younger two rekindling their relationship knowing it is just the two of them now. I was touched.

What's the difference? I don't fully know yet. Everyones change is different. For now, it's fascinating to see their growth from weird adolescents to emerging young adults. It's a big world they're getting into. I'm eager to see the difference they make.

Ken

Redefine the Tension in your life.

Consider this thought: "a balenced state is not equal parts working equally it is navigating the tension between unequal and often very opposing forces."

When stress or tension presents in our lives, our initial response tends to be avoidance. Moving away from the stress or tension seems to give us the impression of relief or comfort. However; rarely does avoidance or elliminating the stress result in actual change or learning that would be valuable in dealing with stress or tension. Moving into the tension or "facing the tension" can provide a better resolution.

Next time stress or tension enters your life; feel it, sit with it, observe it, accept it, learn from it. From there you may be able to make better decisions and not have to repeat it all over again another day.

Ken Zeigler

The Available Dad

I remember as a young pre-teen waiting for my Father to come home from a long day of teaching in Maryland.

You see he commute every day 150 miles and some how seemed to make it back home with enough energy to play with me. So before he could even change from his work clothes I would have ball and glove in hand and he would put his brief case down and we would spread out in the back yard and proceed to throw pitches for the next hour.

My Dad would make himself available to me in the midst of his very active and involved life. What this taught me was the significance of making the simple decision to drop whatever I am involved in at the moment and attend to the voices of those around me and who depend on me to be aware that they want me to see them, hear them, and be with them in their world.

Most other things can wait, but the lost opportunity of time spent with another can never be replaced. Make that decision today!

Authenticity...Originally you!

What would you say if I suggested that the "you" that others often experience is not the real you? I would be a wealthy man if I saved a dime for every client, friend, or colleague that has uttered the words, "I don't know who I really am..."

How does this happen to us?

Children are wonderful sensors yet poor perceivers. That is to say, throughout our early childhood development we experience many different seasons of change and have a variety of complex, painful, and pleasant experiences. Our ego resources are immature and underdeveloped, unable to adequately understand our experiences. Depending upon the severity and duration of our childhood experiences, there comes a time when we interpret that our love needs are not being met to suite our wants and needs.

In our panic we think that these experiences must be happening to us because something must be wrong with us or "I must have done something bad" and "I'm afraid that you are going to take your love from me." The underdeveloped ego then makes a "shift" and creates an alternate self in hopes that love will be returned. This is the emergence of what many have referred to as the "false self." Carl Jung suggested that we "disown" parts of our "original" self in order to protect us and to form other traits of self to save the love and acceptance we long for most.

This is how the "original" self becomes lost or buried deep inside our psyche, but it doesn't have to remain that way. Next--Recognizing the Original Self in the midst of our false perceptions.

Ken Zeigler

A motivating truth...

Around the elegantly dressed dining table on New Years Eve sat some of the most important people in my life. One of the best practices I established early on in life was to surround myself with relationships that inspired, challenged, and encouraged me. On the eve of 2009, I sat with such a group. Full to satisfaction with the most delicious food, we continued the evening around that table by answering a series of questions. The questions were not especially remarkable, however, as I considered those particular questions I added a few of my own and measured them against an important principle that has become a valuable resource for me and hopefully my clients as well. Understand, I am curious about what drives these questions we ask ourselves as one year closes and another begins. What is our motivation for asking them? What is the tension that drives us to ask a question in the first place? We are essentially requesting change in ourselves or in those around us, or in the condition of our lives. Sadly, so few of us actually make the change sufficiently before abandoning our efforts and returning to the familiarity of our cyclical thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I think there is an alternative as long as we are willing to face what truly motivates our decisions and behaviors.

Principle first: The initial impetus behind our motivation to change isn't necessarily the authentic nor beneficial tension that makes change permanent.

So, what motivation likely creates the most favorable condition for permanent change?
First things first:

1. Create a list of the top ten things (repetitive negative thoughts, behaviors, feelings, or environmental conditions) you have wanted to change or do.
2. Pick one, not two or three, just one. Future mastery and permanent change is the goal, not quantity of change.
3. Now that you have picked one from your list, ask yourself why you want to change this item in your life. What would that change look like when you are successful in making this change permanent? Was there a time in your life that you had been successful in living as you imagined this change would bring? If you answered yes, what contributed to that success? What do you remember in regards to how that way of living felt to you emotionally, physically, and what contributed to you abandoning that desired pattern of living?
4. After that soul searching, ask yourself how you want to go about the change process. If you lack knowledge of how to change, who would provide you the knowledge you need to create the change strategy? Hint: only create a strategy that makes sense to you. Do not do things you already know you hate doing. That will only encourage defeat.
5. Having the end in mind, and the right strategy for you in place, ask who or whom it is that you want to invite into your process of change to inspire, challenge, and encourage you. Your success is not dependent on the consistency nor quality of their support. Your success is 100% reliant on your decision to change and the permission you give yourself to change as you follow your own unique strategy. We cannot change alone. That is not how we are designed. We are designed to have others along for the journey. Invite someone to join you. Not to do it with you, just to walk alongside of you.
6. Accept failure, do not accept abandonment. Failure is an acceptable part of living. Abandonment is only acceptable when we know we are leaving a thought pattern, behavior pattern, or relationship dynamic that is not good for us or for others. Careful reflection and personal honesty is essential to see the truth in that dynamic. Validate your commitment to who you want to be, who you know yourself to be, and who you were created to be. Do this every day until you are conscious of the change you have made. Then celebrate!

If you motivate yourself through worry, fear, obligation, "I should...," "This would be good for me...," or because someone else wants you to change, or because if you changed then someone else would have to change so that you would experience peace or resolution, then the change you create will be short-lived. Real and authentic change is motivated by what you personally and authentically want and desire for you and nothing less. You might say that is selfish. Then you would be right. My glossary doesn't define selfishness as a solely narcissistic, negative concept. Instead, selfishness could be utilized as a healthy sense of self-care. If it isn't done for you, it won't be done well. Loving yourself well and loving yourself as you were authentically created to be loved results in loving others more purposefully, creatively, and honestly. Choose your motivation wisely and this New Year could be everything you imagine it to be!

Ken Zeigler

The Awakening

No night of sleep is complete without the gentle stirring of the body, mind, and soul in the sweet calm of morning. In the morning we awaken to a conscious reality that ever-so-gracefully rouses the inmost parts of ourselves. Our senses slowly begin to connect with life, while our minds and hearts transition out of a detached slumber to an awakened state of belonging and purpose.

This sense of awakening is also found in the stirring of our souls in the counseling process. At first we find ourselves asleep—isolated from relationship, floundering in the darkness, unaware of our needs and desires, and separated from reality. In the midst of the thick cloud of uncertainty we hear a gentle voice, calling us out, over and over again. In the beginning, this voice blends with our dreams, becoming another part of our unconscious reality. But then, little by little, we begin to notice a difference. The voice becomes distinct and strangely enticing. We are tentative, nervous, and sometimes afraid of what that voice may be calling us to. We are disturbed, but we want to hear more. Eventually we begin to move towards it. Something draws us nearer to the voice, beckoning us forward. Desperately we want to hear the voice, and we want to understand the language that it speaks—the possibility of a new and conscious reality. This is the stirring of our souls to awaken.

As we awaken from the dark night of sleep, we do so slowly. Little by little pieces of ourselves that were disjointed begin to fold together. The fog that enveloped our minds is replaced with a growing sense of light and clarity. And the unconscious confusion disintegrates at the sound of the voice of hope--a voice that went from being an uninvited stranger to an intimate friend. We awaken to a sense of belonging, connectedness, meaning, and purpose.

For all of you who find yourselves in the dark night of sleep, I invite you to awaken to a new reality. As the rays of light peak through the darkness on this dawning of a New Year, may you find yourselves stirring and moving toward the morning of the soul. May you find a place and a people who can help you to awaken out of the dark night of trauma, abuse, depression, grief, and suffering, to a marvelous light.

“Awake, you who sleep,
Arise from the dead,
And Christ will give you light.”

--Ephesians 5:14

A time for clarity...

After reviewing the previous post that introduces the blog site, I thought that perhaps there may be the reader who wonders if there really are just two kinds of people: Resolvers and Cyclers. The use of these two identifying terms is intended to distill down to the simplest denominator the action behind constructive and healthy living. It is not intended, however, to identify only two types of people. Humanity is simple and complex at the same time and suggesting that human beings can be limited to such rigid terminology is absurd. Recall Scott Peck's book "The Road Less Traveled" written more than 20 years ago, referred to two types of people: Neurotic and Character Disordered individuals. So, there are others who have limited the scope of human behavior to simple terminology to stress particular aspects of the human condition. That is the effort in here as well.

People can be viewed through multiple dimensions and perspectives. The term "Resolvers" has its genesis in the idea that the successful individual, couple, or family that has been engaged in the program at Wellspring found success and resolution because they were motivated to discontinue behavior and or cognitive processes that for so many years have repeatedly resulted in destructive outcomes in their lives. True resolution, I have observed, is motivated out of the desire to bring something to an end. The "Resolver" didn't necessarily have their beginning as a resolver. Instead, this individual spent much of their life cycling through destructive behavioral and cognitive patterns. What separates the resolver from the cycler is that the resolver has considered self-examination as a foundation to personal freedom and an opportunity for personal and professional success. This person trades stagnation and dissatisfaction with life along with superficial or manipulative relationships for deep contentment and fulfillment regardless of life experience at the moment. "Resolvers" are tenacious about persevering and learning what they can and challenging not only their outer worlds, but their inner worlds as well. They have the willing spirit to bring something to an end and the ability to count the cost of bringing closure to something that is not productive or healthy to their self, first, and in relationship to another, second. That takes courage! I have admired many powerful stories of those I would refer to as "Resolvers." They are the recovering cyclers in our midst.

The term "Cycler" has its origins in the idea of repeating a behavior, thought process, or emotional reaction over and over again with the same outcome or conclusion. To be a "cycler" in life doesn't mean that it is a totally losing process. Many individuals that fall into this dynamic are well meaning and successful individuals in their personal lives and in their professional lives. It would appear such success would indicate balance and contentment. However; often such individuals are so broken and exhausted from years of over compensating and giving away their personal energy in life that the result typically is deep disillusionment and dissatisfaction with life and with the quality of their relationships. Though seemingly healthy on the outside of the individual, the story on the inside is quite the opposite. The inside story of a "Cycler's" life is like the scarring termites leave behind once they have eaten away the pulp of the wood. When stress is applied to the weakened area the walls may just come tumbling down.

The mere discipline of self examination along with the desire to learn from one's mistakes or experiences separates the dynamic of the resolver from those that cycle through life and relationship. I have observed that the cycler that holds tightly to the non-resourceful methods of life interaction derives a benefit from the experience regardless of the outcome. Our job at Wellspring is to identify the benefit these patterns provide and understand what motivates an individual to endure such destructive and painful dynamics over and over again without substantial positive gain. Nothing necessarily changes, it just feels like it has and for the cycler feeling is everything. The sharpest of intellects are over shadowed by the distortions of their feelings.

Hopefully, as a reader of this blog, you have a better understanding of the ideas referring to the "Resolver" and to the "Cycler." The theme of these two concepts will emerge from time to time through the context of these blogs. Other terms can be used to describe our deep and complex yet simple characteristics of our humanity. Limitation is not in our vocabulary at Wellspring. We see that people are only limited by their lack of imagination and courage, and by their rigidity towards themselves and towards others. Live freely! Live Well! Live with the Courage and with the permission to be the "Original" you you were designed to be!

next post..."The Original Self."