A motivating truth...

Around the elegantly dressed dining table on New Years Eve sat some of the most important people in my life. One of the best practices I established early on in life was to surround myself with relationships that inspired, challenged, and encouraged me. On the eve of 2009, I sat with such a group. Full to satisfaction with the most delicious food, we continued the evening around that table by answering a series of questions. The questions were not especially remarkable, however, as I considered those particular questions I added a few of my own and measured them against an important principle that has become a valuable resource for me and hopefully my clients as well. Understand, I am curious about what drives these questions we ask ourselves as one year closes and another begins. What is our motivation for asking them? What is the tension that drives us to ask a question in the first place? We are essentially requesting change in ourselves or in those around us, or in the condition of our lives. Sadly, so few of us actually make the change sufficiently before abandoning our efforts and returning to the familiarity of our cyclical thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I think there is an alternative as long as we are willing to face what truly motivates our decisions and behaviors.

Principle first: The initial impetus behind our motivation to change isn't necessarily the authentic nor beneficial tension that makes change permanent.

So, what motivation likely creates the most favorable condition for permanent change?
First things first:

1. Create a list of the top ten things (repetitive negative thoughts, behaviors, feelings, or environmental conditions) you have wanted to change or do.
2. Pick one, not two or three, just one. Future mastery and permanent change is the goal, not quantity of change.
3. Now that you have picked one from your list, ask yourself why you want to change this item in your life. What would that change look like when you are successful in making this change permanent? Was there a time in your life that you had been successful in living as you imagined this change would bring? If you answered yes, what contributed to that success? What do you remember in regards to how that way of living felt to you emotionally, physically, and what contributed to you abandoning that desired pattern of living?
4. After that soul searching, ask yourself how you want to go about the change process. If you lack knowledge of how to change, who would provide you the knowledge you need to create the change strategy? Hint: only create a strategy that makes sense to you. Do not do things you already know you hate doing. That will only encourage defeat.
5. Having the end in mind, and the right strategy for you in place, ask who or whom it is that you want to invite into your process of change to inspire, challenge, and encourage you. Your success is not dependent on the consistency nor quality of their support. Your success is 100% reliant on your decision to change and the permission you give yourself to change as you follow your own unique strategy. We cannot change alone. That is not how we are designed. We are designed to have others along for the journey. Invite someone to join you. Not to do it with you, just to walk alongside of you.
6. Accept failure, do not accept abandonment. Failure is an acceptable part of living. Abandonment is only acceptable when we know we are leaving a thought pattern, behavior pattern, or relationship dynamic that is not good for us or for others. Careful reflection and personal honesty is essential to see the truth in that dynamic. Validate your commitment to who you want to be, who you know yourself to be, and who you were created to be. Do this every day until you are conscious of the change you have made. Then celebrate!

If you motivate yourself through worry, fear, obligation, "I should...," "This would be good for me...," or because someone else wants you to change, or because if you changed then someone else would have to change so that you would experience peace or resolution, then the change you create will be short-lived. Real and authentic change is motivated by what you personally and authentically want and desire for you and nothing less. You might say that is selfish. Then you would be right. My glossary doesn't define selfishness as a solely narcissistic, negative concept. Instead, selfishness could be utilized as a healthy sense of self-care. If it isn't done for you, it won't be done well. Loving yourself well and loving yourself as you were authentically created to be loved results in loving others more purposefully, creatively, and honestly. Choose your motivation wisely and this New Year could be everything you imagine it to be!

Ken Zeigler